I am feeling nervous and anxious because a huge milestone is going to take place this evening. I am going to do something I have never done before…
I have been writing my book this week and I have come to age 11. At age 11 I was sexually abused by two older girls. I was in 5th grade, they were in 8th grade, one I believe was older than the typical age of an 8th grader. I think she may have been around 14, close to 15 because the nature of what she had me do and what she did to me. I am going to write it all down in detail.
I have admitted this happened to my children and friends, but I have NEVER stated the details. I tried to write this down about a week ago and failed. I know once I write it down, publish it, blog it, anything, it will go from nightmare to reality. A reality I had pushed to the back of mind, a nightmare that I want to forget but cannot, no matter how hard I try. I am ready to share those details here, but I will when I am ready. I will be in books and so many people will see it.
I remember when it happened, I felt scared before it started After the incident I felt huge embarrassment and fear. I felt embarrassed because here it was two GIRLS who abused me, girls. This was in the 80s so America saw traditional relationships as male and female. I was embarrassed because on some level I thought I allowed it to happen. Twenty years later I know I had no choice for it to happen. I was fearful because of the threats if I told anyone. I was fearful because I just did not want to go through it again by telling anyone it happened. I NEVER told my parents. Both of my parents have passed away and they never even knew. The shame attached to what happened was too much of a motivator in me telling them what happened. I was fearful my parents wouldn’t love me anymore.
So now at age 47 I am ready to tell what happened, even if it is just baby steps. Tonight I will write down, in detail what happened. I am finally okay with that and I know I am no longer alone….