Was one of violence…
Most adults have happy memories of their childhood. Maybe the first day of school, the first time they rode a bike, or when they got what they wanted for Christmas or their birthday. Nope, not me. One of my earliest childhood memories I have is a violent and scary reminder of the power of emotional terrorism. I can only IMAGINE of how my mother must have felt. No one word fits for me as to how I FELT. there are many words. Scared, terrified, worried, neurotic, you name it, every associated word for scared comes to mind with this memory.
I remember that night like it was last night. I was sitting at the child’s table in the kitchen. I was about 4 years old, maybe 3. I was born in July 1973 and it is now August 2020. It was such a powerful memory, powerful enough to remember for over 40 years and not forget shit about it. I remember what and where all of the furniture/appliances were. I remember the color of the linoleum and the wallpaper on the wall. Every single aspect of that ugly 1970’s kitchen. It was typical 1970’s décor. Shit linoleum and shit wallpaper. Dark wood table and chairs, typical 1970’s looking stuff, everything.
You ask what that memory is? My parents were fighting. I don’t remember what it was about. Probably some bullshit thing my mother did, as she was always in trouble with my father for something. He was quite abusive towards her and extremely possessive over her. I remember a bunch of yelling and cursing in the kitchen. Next thing I know, my father pulls out a gun and places it directly to her forehead. Like holy fuck, who does stuff like this in front of little kids right? I heard a VERY LOUD noise. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized that noise was that of the gun going off. I believe the gun was a .22 handgun. It was not very big.
However, my mother had the luck of the stars that night because the gun was loaded with blanks. So now you are wondering, “what the fuck are blanks?” Blanks are a crumpled shell (looks similar to a bullet) that contains gunpowder. Basically you get all the noise of a gun going off without the deadly after affect. Could imagine someone terrifying you like this?
With the blink of an eye, as you see these loaded into a gun, would you be able to take a moment to tell if the bullets are real or blanks? Would you stick to find out? Probably not…..
Surviving Domestic Violence 