Yesterday I made the decision that fear is no longer and option. When you have fear you give your abusers power, a power I am no longer willing to allow them to have. Fear no longer exists in my vocabulary. I have turned my fear into a strong sense of willpower that will be unbroken. Out of my fear comes my strength. Strength is not something you can just grow over night. It takes, even years, sometimes a lifetime. It took me over 30 years for me to gain my strength to end the fear.
The fear I had stemmed from feelings of embarrassment, shame, guilt, anger, sadness, rejection, worry, anxiety, regret, degradation, alienation, confusion, and feeling insignificant, to name a few. I felt like I didn’t matter, like nothing I did or would do would ever be right. Everything I said and did was always wrong. I had no control over my actions let alone my life. I found comfort in negative things, negative things like drugs, binge drinking, and men. I could go months or years without a single drop of booze. But when I did decide to drink, oh boy did I ever. Half 750 ml bottles at a time.
Those feelings of fear ended yesterday. I am no longer going to feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, or angry over what abusers did to me. I published a blog post yesterday stating I was going to overcome the fear of writing down in detail how two girls sexually abused me when I was 11. I did it. I got over my next biggest fear. I should not feel ashamed and embarrassed for a cruel twist of fate that was out of my control. I am no longer angry. I am accepting of it and I know telling my stories will inspire others and give them strength. By letting go of my fear I AM FREE…
Now in my life I am surrounded by people who LOVE ME. Yes, I can admit that I am loved. I am wanted. I am beautiful. I am intelligent. I am strong. I am independent. I matter and I am important. My life matters. I have purpose. I will no longer allow people to degrade me nor abuse me. I will stand strong in my convictions and use that strength to help others. You matter, every life matters, everyone is important, and everyone deserves to have their feelings validated. No matter what has happened, no experience is insignificant.
And above all, NO FEAR….
“Through every generation of the human race there has been a constant war, a war with fear. Those who have the courage to conquer it are made free and those who are conquered by it are made to suffer until they have the courage to defeat it, or death takes them.”
-Alexander the Great
Surviving Domestic Violence 