I have been living with severe insomnia since both of my brain injuries 20 years ago. I have to take medication to sleep for my brain will not sleep on it’s own without help. The medication definitely works. I take 300 mg of trazodone, but I can take a minimum of 100 mg if I am having a good day and feel like I can sleep with that amount. I also take 5 mg of melatonin to help stay asleep.
But here lately as I am writing my manuscript for my book, I find it increasingly more difficult to fall and stay asleep, even after taking my dose of 300 mg of trazodone and 5 mg of melatonin. I have hundreds of things running around in my head, trying to put them all in chronological order. However, putting incidents in chronological order is not the primary problem. The other problem I am having in falling asleep is having to relive trauma all over again, this time writing it down on paper and reliving things. I have also begun having nightmares of abuse. These nightmares have not been present in the last 5 years, until recently.
I have been angry about all of this for a very long time. I think a lot of the reason why I have been angry is because I have never received a proper apology from my daughter’s father about what he did to me. My ex-husband apologized to me three years in what was, in my opinion, a genuine apology. ” My daughter’s father would say, “I’m sorry it will never happen again.” But he never truly acknowledged what he ACTUALLY did. He always blamed me. I would hear, “if you didn’t do this or say this I wouldn’t get angry.” It was all such bullshit. I never got a real apology for the broken foot, the broken nose, the black eyes, the brain injuries, the persistent name calling, etcetera. I have come to realize I do not need a single apology from anyone. I deserve an apology but I do not NEED it. You cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do. But what I can do is make sure it never happens again. I can stand up for myself and tell my story.
Now I am putting these experiences on paper as a form of catharsis. I am going to relieve this anger through writing. My ultimate goal is to help just one person leave their abuser. I want other people to know they are not alone and there is a light at the end of that tunnel.
“The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.”
-Robert Frost
Surviving Domestic Violence 