I have the most crazy mind. I never know what to fucking believe. The left side of my brain logically understands that I am good enough, that I can get through anything. Left brain believes in myself and knows the power of positivity and positive thoughts, but….
Right side brain decides well fuck you, not today bruh. Nope the darkness in my mind will take over. The darkness tells my sub-conscious you are never good enough, no matter what you do. You aren’t good enough for anyone, you’re not good enough for yourself and you will never be good enough no matter what you do. The negative thoughts sit in for days, or weeks, and even months at times.
When people ask me if I am okay I just want to say yes, but I am absolutely NOT okay. No amount of therapy can undo what someone puts in your goddamn head for seventeen years. Logically I know I shouldn’t have these feelings but I do. I can’t help it. I hate having these feelings. I live with a CONSTANT war in my mind. A war between the darkness and the light, always looking for the rainbow but all I see is rain. The struggle is a constant fear, a constant battle, that I am never good enough.
If I am good enough then why the fuck do I feel so damn lonely? I have healthy friendships, I have family that loves me. But I ALWAYS feel like something is missing. I feel like I am constantly searching for something I will never find. I am NEVER truly happy. I have periods of brief satisfaction, a small light at the end of the tunnel and then the storm comes. No fucking rainbow, just an ocean of storms. It is so easy to sit and tell someone it will be okay, you should think positive, everything will get better, blah fucking blah. But really, unless you have been in my shoes then honestly I just want to tell you to shut the fuck up. Don’t even to understand the darkness that dwells in my mind.
My demons are raging, wanting to come out and wreak havoc. My demons are always there, in the darkness of my mind, constantly fucking with me. The demons are called self-doubt and self-loathing. There are periods of time where I doubt my capabilities, when I hate myself, when I’m never good enough. It doesn’t matter what anyone says or does, it never helps. I wish people would save their fucking breath for someone who actually gives a shit. At the end of the day, all that matters are the thoughts of the demons and self-loathing. I never feel safe from the demons that dwell in the darkness of my mind. I don’t think anyone does. No amount of sympathy or empathy will help the way I feel. I live in constant fear that I am never good enough.
When you have someone tell you for 17 years you’re a piece of shit, you’re a slut, you will always be shit, no one will ever want you, you’re not good enough for me or anyone, I don’t know why I stay with you, you fucking absolutely believe it. You have a constant struggle for self-acceptance. I feel completely fucked up and there is no fixing me. I tried to fix my mind but no amount of therapy, no amount of medication, no amount of drugs, will ever fix the self-doubt swimming in my mind. It is something I have learned to live with. It is something that comes and goes. My thoughts change like the wind. Some days I’m fine, other times I am not. Just let me be myself. I will get through it.
“If you want to overcome the whole world, overcome yourself.”–Fyodor Dostoyevsky