Living with PTSD & Attachment Disorder

There are many forms of emotional abuse, all can cause permanent damage to the the psyche. There is mounting scientific evidence revolving around permanent changes to the brain after long term emotional abuse. Long term physical abuse partnered with emotional causes devastating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in many individuals, including myself. In fact, most survivors of domestic violence who are diagnosed almost never fully recover from PTSD. I have been living with debilitating PTSD for twenty years. It has gotten better over the years but it is still there. I am over cautious about my surroundings and I have continuous thoughts of self-doubt and self-loathing that have interfered with relationships.

I cannot manage to stay in a relationship more than six months. I am constantly looking for a warning sign to leave. Even if there are none, I will find a way to fuck it up intentionally. Why? I feel like I’m too fucked up to be loved and he will probably just leave anyway. I have attachment issues when it comes to romantic involvement. I cannot form healthy attachments to people. I cannot feel normal love emotions. Yes, I care for people, but I don’t love them. I am incapable of romantic love. I don’t want romantic love. I can’t even love myself. Everyone I have ever been attached to has abused me. So I stop myself before it goes any further. If he gets attached, I ghost his ass.

I am capable of getting my sexual needs met without being in a relationship. Sad to say this, but I have the capability of having a sexual relationship without love. I can have sex with someone and get them out of my bed just as fast as they got there. Besides, I can just leave whenever I want to. No attachments, no fear of abuse or abandonment. I am incapable of a normal relationship. In the last ten years I have been in three relationships, all lasting six months, but no more. And yep, I did my best to fuck them up. I looked for red flags, couldn’t find any so I fuck it up by ghosting people. I disassociate myself from feeling anything for anyone.

I have been able to maintain only two long term friendships in my life. One of 15 years and the other for 10 years. My best friend of 10 years moved away though. We still maintain a close relationship and I visit with her twice a year in Arkansas and her son comes to stay a few weeks with me every year during school summer break. My friend of 15 years lives 45 minutes away and we keep in contact daily and I visit her when I get a chance. I can cut everyone else off like they are nothing. I can weeks, months, or years without speaking to anyone and not give two shits. There only 5 people I love unconditionally and they truly love me as well. My three children and my two grandsons. They are my world and my everything. No one else matters but those 5 people. I have a third grandson coming in December to make 6 people I will every only truly love.

I have a tendency to trust no one but myself. I believe in no but myself. I don’t believe in God. God didn’t save me from abuse, I did. The moment I put my trust in someone, it doesn’t take long for them to break it. I am not good at communicating my feelings. When I try to, it all comes out fucked up and misunderstood. I try to keep my thoughts to myself but are days where I just word vomit and don’t think before I say shit. I give everyone the best relationship advice but fuck, I can’t follow my own. I am truly amazing at helping and motivating others, but deep down I suck with my own life. I always have the right thing to say to help people but I cannot save myself.

Deep down inside I am crying and screaming to be normal. I want desperately to be normal. I want a normal relationship where my partner and I can love each other unconditionally. On some level I want to have a healthy marriage to someone. Make each other breakfast in bed. Lay in bed all day doing nothing but watching movies. Going to the theme parks, walking in hand in hand, enjoying every moment together. I don’t even know where to begin to function as normal. I don’t like the person I see in the mirror every morning.

”I don’t need to manufacture trauma in my life to be creative. I have a big enough reservoir of sadness or emotional trauma to last me.”

-Sting