He Only Does it When He’s Drunk…

Dear goodness! I lost track of how many times I used this excuse when I was physically assaulted by my abuser. A friend would see me with a black eye and ask me why I stayed. My excuse? Yep, you guessed it, “he only does it when he’s drunk.” I cannot even begin to tell you how WRONG this is.

Alcohol is truth serum. “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts” are 100% true. When people drink alcohol their inhibitions are being lowered. They have found courage in a bottle. I myself have said things drinking that I would never say sober. To this day if I am nervous about communicating something to someone I wait until I have a few drinks because I know alcohol gives me that little push that I need. Alcohol becomes truth serum the moment uncontrollable words fly out of your mouth. When he says cruel and wicked things when he’s sober, he means it. When he tells you are a piece of shit, you are slut a whore, you will never find anyone else, I fucking hate you, I don’t love you, I don’t want to be with you, he really means it, even more so when he is drunk.

When he says, “I’ll stop drinking, I didn’t mean those things.” He is full of shit. Leonard’s don’t change their spots folks. I do believe some people can change, it is not impossible, but I will say it is rare that it happens. As people grow up they develop a personality and that personality follows them through life. People just don’t wake up at 45 years old and say well I’m going to stop drinking and treating her like shit. It doesn’t happen.

I gave him 15 years of chances. FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS. When I finally left my abuser, I had wasted literally half my life with this man. There were so many other opportunities in that 15 years I could have met and been with someone who actually cared about me, but I kept trying. I kept telling myself he will change, he only does this shit when he’s drunk. But it kept on and on and on. It was nearly relentless. In that 15 years, I had about one year of complete peace, because that one year took place over the course of two separations from my abuser. I went back out of fear. I was afraid no one else would ever love me, hell I didn’t even love myself. I believed all those things he said about me when he was drunk. I didn’t think I could find someone because I had three kids and no job, I had almost nothing. He kept me from being the person I am today.

It took me 15 years to realize his drinking was only fuel for the fire raging inside of his mind. Fifteen long fucking years for me to realize alcohol is NO excuse for him to beat me. Alcohol is never an excuse for behavior! If you cannot control your words or actions when you are drinking and you are doing harm to yourself or others, it is time to stop. For the last five years I have lived in peace. Seven years ago I began receiving the mental health services I needed to deal with and mostly overcome my PTSD from physical violence and emotional abuse. As I write my blogs and manuscript, I am becoming becoming less angry with everything. I cannot let anger consume me anymore. I am at a point in my life where I am happy and I love myself. It has been a treacherous road, but that treacherous road has lead into a smooth, brand new road.

“To escape fear, you have to go through it, not around.”

-Richie Norton